Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sorting Out

Words make a big impact on me.
Maybe it's because of my English and Literature classes (and my mother who taught these subjects) that honed my comprehension abilities, making me see the nuances of word usage.
Maybe it's just my personality.
Maybe that's why I fall for guys so easily.
Maybe that's why I like intangible words of appreciation.

Is it wrong?
To look into things and think so much, yet keeping it inside and only telling some friends or writing it out?

I've acquaintances and friends from university who were surprised to find out that I fall for guys easily. I guess I don't show it. Or I just don't really put in the effort to impress the opposite gender. Or maybe after spending so much time and energy on it in secondary school, junior college and my first year of university, I just don't see the point. It's either non-attachment or escapism, I can't tell at the moment.

Have I given up on finding a partner for myself? Nowadays, I even joke with my parents about becoming a nun, and they seem fine with it! I'm starting to see that the normal unquestioned route of a person growing into an adult, getting married and starting a family is not the only way to live a life. There are so many possibilities. I don't have to go to the extreme of becoming a nun; I can just live my life as a strong, independent woman with love to share with everyone.

Maybe that's the problem. I'm starting to see that I don't need a guy to complete my life. I'm capable and talented on my own. Why should I, if I could lead groups of people to organise meaningful campus-wide and overseas activities while juggling heavy schoolwork, or live overseas by myself for almost half a year?

Perhaps I'm putting up walls to deal with potential disappointment. After all the countless crushes and misses, I'm starting to let go quicker each time I fall for another boy. Something nice that a guy said or did? Nah, he'll probably do that to another girl anyway. I'm not special to him. I'm just another good friend, someone to be nice to but not be serious about.

But then, there's always something that pulls me back. When I'm just about to let go completely, here comes a nice and talented guy who has similar interests as me. We did quite a number of activities together, and seem to enjoy each other's company. He cares about everyone around him, calls people by their name like they matter and looks them in the eye intently when listening to them. He does so many activities that it's hard to comprehend how he juggles everything so well. I really admire him as a person, and even if nothing happens, I'm glad to have him as a friend.

Yes, there I go preparing myself for disappointment again. But that's how it is, and at least I'm writing this out now so I can get something off my chest.

Thank you, words (:

smile at 2:05 PM

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